


The motherhood of it all

by wonder_tilda



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: AU - No Magic, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, F/F, Foster Care, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-10-13 16:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17491007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonder_tilda/pseuds/wonder_tilda
Summary: Children come in all shapes and colors, from the tiny little ones, screaming at the top of their lungs in a delivery room, to the all-grown-up ones, showing up at your door step with no user`s manual to follow.The story of how Cordelia Goode becomes a mother of two, makes wrong decisions, faces her greatest fears and eventually finds her way to Misty Day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A fanfiction (my very first one) I`ve started a while ago, but never had the courage to publish. Here it goes now - a little test drive to see what happens.

Her house had never felt so small, at least she didn`t think so. She was always rather minimalistic. She liked her space, liked the ultimate tidiness of the rooms, as there was nothing to make the mess of. No one, shy of her, the neat freak, to make it. _That was most certainly going to change_ , she thought to herself, a tiny little smile creping on to her face. She liked her tidiness, but not even nearly as much as she liked the idea of having someone to make a proper mess.

 

She looked at her wristwatch. Not much has changed in those 30 seconds she managed to keep her gaze away from it. She was told they would be there in about 15 minutes. How long has she been waiting for? _For the whole of eternity,_ she thought to herself. For as long as she could remember. She read every book there was to read, bought everything she could possibly need and then some, took classes, went to support groups and whatever more there was to do, she did it all. If anything, she was ready. She knew she was. Then why as she was standing in the middle of her living room, weak at her knees and breathless, ready was the last thing she felt like? _Nice going,_ she thought _, go ahead, have a panic attack._ _The timing couldn`t have been better._

 

“Oh God.” She breathed out, tapping 3-1-1 on her shoulder, hands wrapped around her body in a clumsy attempt to gain some comfort. If anything, she looked quite ridiculous. “They would`ve never let me do this if they saw me like that.”

 

And then there it was, a little voice in the back of her head, not her own, but all too familiar: “It _would_ be better if they didn`t let you do this, that`s for sure. You`re a step away from having a panic attack, you will never be capable enough to make this work”. _Not now, mother,_ she thought, slightly gaining her posture as if in the presence of Fiona herself, _I`d rather a panic attack than you at any time._

 

She was now circling the room, her heels tapping an even rhythm, her hands slowly turning into fists and then she heard it. There could be no mistake. A car was pulling up in her driveway. She couldn`t run away or even breeze for that matter. That was it. Her eternity of waiting has come to an end. Oh, but did it have to do it so quickly?

 

She shook her head. Nope, none of that, not now. She was nothing but ready. And even if she wasn`t, it didn`t matter. She had to do it. She was doing it. Her entire body was trembling – _a slight knock on the door, here goes_ – but she was doing it. And it was going to be amazing.

 

“Good evening.” She said with the warmest smile at her disposal, welcoming the woman on the other side of the door. “Please, come in.”

 

The woman was, by the look of her, in her late twenties, Julie, or Jenny or whatever, she didn`t care about her name as everything that was Cordelia was mesmerized by the two young girls who followed the woman into the house. 

 

“Alright, girls, here we go.” The woman slightly turned to them with a smile – the gesture did not seem to make them any more comfortable. They kept gazing around, visibly frustrated, the older one holding the younger one as tightly as possible. “This is Esther,” She pointed at the older one – the tomboyish teenager, “which would make this Sara.” And then – at the younger one – a lovely seven-year-old (or so she`d been told) with the messiest, curliest blonde hair Cordelia has ever seen in her life.

“It`s so nice to meet you, girls.” Cordelia didn`t stumble, her breath didn`t hitch and the panic that was not rising but predominating inside of her did not out itself in any way. She has rehearsed this line thousands of times and now she was making the use of it. After all, it was everything she had up her sleeve. “My name is Cordelia Goode. I`m happy to finally meet you.” The last one might have been a sudden, very unfortunate improvisation. _Finally, really?_ She had known about them for less than two hours, for crying out loud. Cordelia mentally pinched herself. That will have to do for now.

 

And then, silence. What was her next move? Cordelia`s thoughts turned into one giant ball jumping around in her head and she probably wouldn`t be able to remember her full name at that moment, let alone her next move.

 

“Come on, girls, where are your manners?” The woman said, not a shadow of strictness in her voice.

 

“Hi.” Esther spoke first, Sara just a second later, and though they were looking at Cordelia as if she killed their dog, her smile still widened from hearing their voices for the very first time.

 

“Should we have a little tour of the house?” A gentle reminder that came from the woman brought Cordelia back to Earth. God, she was grateful for that woman.

 

“Why yes, yes of course. Please, follow me.”

 

The house was indeed huge. Cordelia made sure to walk slowly and talk carefully, minding every word and leaving some time for the girls to ask questions if needed. No question – or words in general – came, but they did seem quite astonished by the size of their rooms. It had Cordelia smiling yet again. They will make it work, she kept telling herself. She simply needed to be patient. And learn to communicate with them without anyone`s assistance.

 

Cordelia let the girls unpack as she walked the social worker out. Why did she have to leave so soon though, could she not see just how helpless Cordelia was without her _? Stop it, you ridiculous woman, you are not helpless. You`ve got it._ She knew it was mostly wishful thinking, but at that point, wishful thinking was the only thing she could count on.

 

“Relax a little,” The woman – Julie, certainly not Jenny – said, with a gentle smile on her face. “You`re doing just fine. It will take time, it always does. But as tough as those two are, they are still just kids who need someone to take care of them.”

 

That Cordelia was not just well aware of, she also knew the feeling. After all, who was more capable of taking care of neglected children, than a woman who once was a neglected child herself?

 

“Thank you so much” Cordelia opened the door, her hand did not tremble, she didn`t beg the woman to stay. She was simply better than that.

 

“Call me if there`s a problem.”

 

And that was it. Doors closed, the sound of the car becoming quieter until disappearing completely. Cordelia was left on her own.  With two girls, who, by the look of it, already hated her guts.

 

 _They must be hungry_ ; a sudden thought had her collecting herself instantly as she nearly ran upstairs to where hers and now the girls` rooms were. There, she was going to feed them and they will go from there. Baby steps. No expectations. As gentle as possible. Just like she was taught. Was it really going to work? She had no idea and all the hope she was relying on as it was last thing she had at the moment, was disappearing rather quickly.  

 

Esther`s room was empty, so she went straight into Sara`s room. The door was wide open, but she still knocked quietly, if only to get their attention.

 

“Hey there, girls. What do say we have some dinner and maybe, get to know each other a little better? I`ve made some lasagna earlier, unless, of course, you want something else. How does that sound?” Were humans even intended to speak for so long? She wasn`t sure of it, with her mouth completely dry, hands cold and wet from nervousness and two pairs of eyes staring at her as if was an alien who suggested a walk on the Moon. Did they really hate lasagna that much?

 

They exchanged looks, embarrassed rather than anything and Cordelia wanted nothing more than to hug it all away and assure them that they were safe here. That from now on, everything was going to be okay. But she couldn’t, at least not yet. For now, she was nothing but a stranger to them.

 

“We don`t eat meat.” Sara began in a quiet voice, eyes searching for Esther`s for reassurance. “So if this lasagna of yours ain`t vegetarian, we`ll pass on the dinner” She lowered her eyes instantly, her thick accent still echoing the walls. “Sorry. Didn`t me to be rude”.

 

Oh God. She was so human. A very nervous, very scared human and Cordelia suddenly felt terrible for being all those things herself. She couldn`t afford weakness, not now, not when she had the girls to think about.

 

“You weren`t rude, sweetheart. And my lasagna is, in fact, completely meatless. I guess it was rather good timing for me to experiment with the recipe, wasn`t it?” She hoped to get a smile out of at least one of them with that one. She didn`t.

 

“Fine, then.” Esther spoke up for the very first time, looking straight into Cordelia`s eyes. And in that sudden eye contact, the woman found something she wasn`t prepared for. She`d expect rage, contempt, fear, anything but not what she saw. There was too much sorrow for such a young girl, too much despair. Cordelia`s heart was aching so badly she could`ve screamed, but she kept it inside, forcing a smile out instead. She has never seen so much sadness in person`s, let alone child`s eyes. In that moment, as tiny as it was, Cordelia knew her entire being had been changed forever as she made a silent promise that she was going to banish that sadness away or die trying.

 

She let the girls muffle around the kitchen for a bit as she was setting the table. Cordelia had lost that feeling over the years, but still remembered how looking at it for the very first (or a proper second) time took her breath away. Never until entering that kitchen has she seen the ceiling so high or the windows so big, but the best part, the most astonishing part was the trees made as if growing out of the walls, reaching out to each other, to her, to the depth of her very soul. She didn`t even care what the rest of the house looked like, after seeing that kitchen she knew they were going to buy it and make it their home. Of course Hank, that pitiful little ex-husband of hers, made sure that the second one was not happening, but at least he had the dignity to not to sue her for the house. He knew she`d have him dead before she`d let go of it.

 

“Come on, girls, sit wherever you feel comfortable.” The table wasn`t big, just four chairs around it. Hank wanted two kids. And Cordelia wanted a faithful husband, but apparently neither of them was meant to have what they wanted in this marriage. “So how come you don`t eat meat?” She has never put so much effort into sounding as casual as possible.

 

“`Cause animals aren`t food.” The way Sara said it, the way she looked at her had Cordelia instantly regretting the question and her life choices. It`s not that she never thought about going vegetarian, it`s just that she was never motivated enough to actually do it. Until today, that was.

 

“Does it go for the fish to?”

“What are you, kiddin` me or somethin`?”

 

And, as she was turning around from the stove with a rather embarrassed smile on her face, she caught the very first glimpse of fear in Esther`s eyes, her body pushed slightly in front of Sara`s even as they were sitting, one of her hands covering Sara`s, the other half-way forming a fist.

 

“I guess I was living quite an ignorant life until today.” She couldn`t let her know she saw it, she couldn`t acknowledge it. Or was she just too scared to do so? Whichever it was, Cordelia put the lasagna in the middle of the table and took her place next to Esther rather than next to Sara – she hoped that the fact that the younger girl was not within her reach would give the older one a bit of comfort. Esther seemed to relax quite quickly although not fully as she kept gazing at Cordelia from time to time.

 

The women put food in everyone`s plates and filled their glasses with water, and though she expected the girls to rush in, they didn`t even touch their forks looking at her for permission.

 

“Dig in, then. It`s not going to be warm forever.” She noticed that Sara didn`t start without receiving a nod from Esther, didn`t pick up her fork before Esther did.

 

They ate in silence, Cordelia`s mind tearing between the desire to find out more about the girls and the fear to make them feel as if interrogated. But she could not stand this silence, she couldn`t take it, it didn`t belong at this table anymore. It didn`t belong in this house anymore.

 

“So girls, is there anything you would like to ask me?” Apparently, there wasn`t. Oh God. She was horrible at this whole thing.

 

As Cordelia was about to try yet another icebreaker, that she already knew wouldn`t work, she noticed Sara lifting her head a little, sudden curiosity in her eyes.

 

“When can we…”

“Sci, don`t.” And Sara didn`t. Esther shot her a quick look, not angry, but reassuring and they continued eating as if nothing happened.

 

Where was all of that coming from? Was that simply the bond between two sisters or was it the habit on relying only on each other? Would their mother hurt them for saying the wrong thing? Did Cordelia remind them of her?

 

Oh, how she already hated that woman. It`s not that she knew anything for sure, but she certainly could imagine what she must have been like, all the horrifying memories from her childhood creating the present of those girls in front of her. The words “child neglect” she heard the social worker say over the phone about three hours ago had made the decision for her. She didn`t care how old or how tough those girls were, she didn`t care why their former foster family decided not to keep them ( _as if they were some sort of house pets_ , she thought), she was going to take them in and take proper care of them. She was going to love them the way they deserved to be loved and, come hell or high water, she was never going to make them feel neglected again. She was going to right every wrong her – no, their mother has ever done to them.

 

“You can ask me anything, girls. I won`t get mad, I promise.” It didn`t do the trick. They continued eating in silence, exchanging the occasional glances from time to time and Cordelia just knew that if she was ever to have a successful conversation with them, it was not happening today.

 

After dinner, the girls went straight to bed without giving her as much as a chance to suggest some desert and she was left tiding up her gorgeous kitchen feeling like a complete failure. Esther had washed both her and Sara`s dishes even though Cordelia made it clear that she didn`t have to.

 

That girl – Cordelia could somehow feel it from the very first moment she saw her – was not going to let her in easily. She was so reserved, so defensive. And whether it came from the place of fear or from the lack of trust, it didn`t matter because whatever this wall Esther has put up was made of, Cordelia knew it was not going to be easy to break.

 

The woman was about her age when her mother had sent her away. She still had all of it fresh in her memory to the very last bits – the fear of unknown, the shame that came over her when she broke into tears at the airport, – as if Fiona wasn`t embarrassed enough as it was - the nervousness as she was approaching her new home – the Academy. What if no one there was going to like her? She was such a disappointment after all. And then – Myrtle Snow. Her auntie Myrtle. Her saving grace. Cordelia was so vulnerable back then, so weak. Her tiny little soul, an open wound, aching for a tender touch, had claimed Myrtle as a very first person who will ever love her instantly, without an invitation or permission. She needed her, she needed her love more than air, more than anyone had ever needed it and love was exactly what Myrtle had given her.

 

Cordelia took a heavy breath, overwhelmed with the memories. The kitchen was now neatly cleaned, everything put in its place and Cordelia would be a big fat liar if she said that putting away three plates and three glasses instead of one did not have her grinning like an idiot. She entered her bedroom, keen on the idea of changing into something more comfortable – she never had the chance to take off her all-too-tight-for-such-a-late-hour dress. Her plans were crashed though, as soon as she saw two toothbrushes laying on her bed. _Nice going, Goode_ , she thought, picking them up and exiting the bedroom. _And here you thought you couldn`t do any worse._

 

Esther`s room was empty yet again, completely untouched, not even a shadow of her being there. _Maybe, she didn`t like it,_ Cordelia thought, very aware that it was not why Esther wasn`t there. She froze then, right in Sara`s doorway, breath hitched as she saw the girls curled up on the bed – Esther – the big spoon – with her hands wrapped protectively around Sara`s body, nothing but pajamas on her as the younger girl was cocooned in the blanked with her wild hair spread everywhere. The image had Cordelia nearly chocking on a giggle. Esther`s dark-brown short straight hair was distinguished from her sister blonde curly long one perfectly by the soft light coming from the night stand and Cordelia was amazed by just how different they looked. If she didn`t know it for sure, she would never think them to be sisters.

 

She stood there for a few more minutes socking it all in – those two sleeping girls were now someone she`d kill and die for without a second thought – and she didn`t even really know them. But she loved them – oh, how she loved them – the way Myrtle loved her. Blindly, from the very beginning, no questions asked.

 

She covered Esther with another blanket – it took everything she had to keep her from kissing the girl goodnight for she knew it was not yet appropriate or wanted – and went back to her bedroom. Her bed – for the longest time filled with nothing but pain, loneliness and despair - was now filling with such hope, such quiet faith that she could feel her house - all too big and all too empty – slowly starting to become a home.   

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia Goode has to make a tough decision.

It took about ten seconds for Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies – a boarding school for girls - to go from the state of complete stillness to complete chaos. Every 45 minutes the bell would ring setting free the students who wasted no time filling the halls with laughter, gossip, chatting and occasional fighting. It seemed as if there was no ruling over them, as if whoever tried to tame them would fail and whoever tried to discipline them would go down in defeat. And although there was, in fact, a person kind enough, respected enough and strong enough to be accepted as their leader and their superior, she was now hiding in her office trying desperately not to cry.

 

There were many words in English language that could be used to describe Cordelia Goode. Words such as confident, ambitious, well-educated, compassionate, kind, understanding, brave, persistent, reliable - but not weak. The headmistress of Miss Robichaux`s Academy, one of the most prestigious schools in the country, Cordelia Goode was now stronger than ever.  However, it wasn`t always this way. On the contrary to what others might think, nothing of what that woman has or is today had come to her easily. Nothing but wealth. Money was the only given in Cordelia`s life, something she always had and never questioned. She was not familiar with the struggles of those in need as well as the concept of earning her fortune. She was rich from the very beginning of her life – the result of being born in the right place at the right time to the right – which, ironically, couldn`t be further from the truth – person, of winning the genetic lottery. Cordelia, of course, would be happy scribing the floors – not that she had any idea of what it was like - in exchange for a loving and caring mother. Love was one of the many things Cordelia had to fight for, along with approval, success, respect, independence – there were so many she was not able – not for the lack of trying - to count them. The headmistress knew well enough that all the misery she had to pull though to get where she was today had begun and ended with one person and one person only – her mother.

 

Fiona Goode, the former headmistress of the Academy, was, to Cordelia`s mind, the worst human being to walk this Earth. Arrogant and selfish, she never cared about anything or anyone, but her precious self, her daughter being, without a doubt, the very last thing on her mind and the Academy – the close second. She abandoned this school as soon as becoming its headmistress, for simply obtaining such a position gave her everything she longed for – fame, wealth and admiration. Taking care of the students was not a part of her plan. But Fiona did like the idea of them, at least. Every girl in this school was, with no exception, extremely bright. Each and every one of them had a special talent – some excelled at Math, others had photographic memory and so on and so forth. Over the long period of its existence, the Academy had become a true home for every girl who was pushed around because of her gift, could not be challenged in a local school or was simply too much to deal with for her family. Back in the day, Fiona herself was a student here – bitter and brilliant, as the teachers would describe her. Considering all of that, it was beyond hard for the woman to accept the fact that her own daughter, her sweet unexpected Cordelia, was simply ordinary. Worthless, as Fiona would often say. Sending her to the Academy was nothing but a joke to her, another exquisite way to show Cordelia just how much of a fool she truly was. Although, as she later realized, sending her daughter to this school was her greatest mistake, for while she was god-knows-where exploring the world, who other than Myrtle Snow, the head of the Council and her old nemesis, was in charge here. And though Myrtle did not heal every wound Cordelia`s mother had gifted her with, though she didn`t cure her complete lack of self-esteem or proved her worthiness, she did become the very first person who ever loved Cordelia, cared for her and believed in her. She planted a seed that many years later became a thriving, beautiful tree of goodness. Myrtle Snow was the person who made Cordelia Goode who she is.

 

They – Myrtle and Fiona – were both dead now, but their spirits never seemed to have left the walls of the Academy. Or was it just Cordelia`s office? Nonetheless, she could feel them constantly – her angel and her demon – following her every step of the way. Two images – someone who`s highs she dreamt of reaching and someone who`s lows she feared falling to. Someone she so wanted to be and someone she was petrified of turning into. Now, that Cordelia was standing where they both were once standing and doing what they both were once doing, she had come to realize the enormous impact those two had made on her life. They were her definition of right and wrong, of good and bad, of kindness and cruelty. Her entire way of ruling the Academy – every decision she had made, every change she had introduced, every technique she decided upon - was based on the experience and the knowledge they had given her, for however given, it was nevertheless useful. It was not that she was grateful for what her mother had done to her as a child and even after that – it was that she simply chose to use everything to her advantage, no matter how big of a hole it burned inside of her. Cordelia Goode was not just a great headmistress of this Academy, she was the best there was. And although it was true, at that very moment it did not help much – she was still hiding in her office trying desperately not to cry. 

 

It has been a week since the girls came to live with Cordelia. Whole seven days, each and every one of which the women spent doing everything in her power to make them feel comfortable, safe and more at home. And though every attempt she made was earnest, to say she did not succeed would be an underestimation. Save for being a bit more relaxed in her presence, Esther was just as distant and just as reserved as she was the night she came to Cordelia`s house. She almost never talked to Cordelia or in her presence and hardly ever managed to stay in the same room with the women for more than a minute. Unless Sara was there too, of course. The two were almost inseparable, Esther making it very clear to Cordelia that she was not to go anywhere near her younger sister. And though Sara was not nearly as closed off as Esther – she would even support a little conversation with Cordelia here and there – the younger girl clearly had no intention of letting her in as well as the older one. But Cordelia was not the one to give up easily. She tried, she failed and then she tried again. The universe had gifted her with enough patience and – most importantly – enough stubbornness to carry on fighting no matter how hard it got, no matter what was coming her way. Oh, but couldn`t the universe at least warn her about what it was?

 

The day after the girls arrived, the social worker – Julia, definitely Julia – came over to discuss their situation. That was when Cordelia found out why girls former foster family decided not to keep them – it was, without about, out of fear. It was not, of course, what it said on the papers – Cordelia figured it out herself as she listened to Julia. The girls kept the hard-to-reach act together for the entire time at their former foster house – it was mostly Esther`s doing, Cordelia thought, Sara just followed the lead. They did not warm up to the family, didn`t talk to them, didn`t participate in anything and so on. It must have driven the foster parents – who had three children of their own – utterly insane. But the situation got worse whenever the girls would come back from visitations with their biological mother. Instead of simply keeping their distance, the girls would start acting rude and quite unruly. Eventually, the foster parents grew concerned about their own children`s safety. And though she knew it was not reasonable of her, it still made Cordelia clench her fists. _Those girls didn`t deserve to be treated as temporary_ , she though, _they were not to remove when became inconvenient_. But they were here now, they were Cordelia`s to take care of and it was nothing but a good thing. The women was going to make it right.

 

Julia informed her that the judge had made a decision to remove all forms of communication with the biological mother as well as visitations for a week in order to see if the situation with the girls would improve. In exactly seven days Cordelia was to appear in the Family Court to inform the judge of current state of affairs – to tell him whether _she_ thought the girls should communicate with their biological mother or not.

 

It left Cordelia speechless. How was she supposed to be objective when it came to it? Why did such a tender matter have to be up to her?  The women shook the doubt away quickly though, reminding herself that when it came to the girls, _everything_ was up to her now. She was their parent after all. A foster parent, yes, but it didn`t change anything, not for her. Foster of not, she was determined to become a mother to those girls, the one they truly deserved. Therefore, the decision – any decision – that involved girl’s well-being, physical or mental, was supposed to be up to her. There was no room for fear or self-doubt, so Cordelia threw them away along with her natural need to always be objective, to always be fair. She was a mother now and she had to act like one. And if the decision she made could spare her girls the hurt their biological mother left them with, it could seem unfair to the whole world and she wouldn`t care.

 

The same night, Cordelia went upstairs to ask the girls their side of the story. Esther`s room stayed untouched – the women already figured that the girl had no intention of sleeping in there. She approached Sara`s room, was right about to knock on the slightly opened door, when she heard them talking quietly. Cordelia Goode was not the one to eavesdrop on a conversation. But her legs felt glued to the floor and as much as she wanted to do the right thing, she saw no way for it to happen.

 

“I like it here better than in that other home.”

“Yeah, `s `cause the house is huge.” Esther`s voice was so calm and warm, it sent chills down Cordelia`s spine. Will that girl ever be able to talk to her like this?

“No it ain`t. `s just nicer is all. And we got two rooms for the first time in like ever.”

“`s not like we`re usin` both of `em, Sci.”

“So what? Doesn’t matter. `s nice anyway.”

“The lady does seem nice, I suppose. Kind an` all”

“Nah, I don`t like her. She`s too fancy. Probably uses her knife and fork to eat like everythin`, even pizza. And has 200 hundred boxes for her fancy jewelry.” It made Esther laugh, Cordelia instantly falling in love with the sound.

“Don`t be that way, Sci. So she`s rich, it ain`t a bad thing. Some people are just lucky like that. Maybe she`s doin` charity and stuff.” She paused for moment and Cordelia wished she could see why. “Or maybe not, maybe I`m just being hopeful an` all. Doesn`t matter, we`ll be out of here soon enough anyway. C’mon, `s time for sleep now.”

“You goin` with me?”

“`s not like I have somethin` better to do. C’mon, scooch.”

 

Cordelia stood there a little while longer, however she didn`t seem to hear anything else the girls said, the words “ _we`ll be out of here soon enough anyway_ ” filling her ears, echoing from every wall in the hall. Why would Esther say that? Why would she ever think that? Did Cordelia seem like the kind of person who would just throw them out?

 _They were burned before_ , Cordelia thought, _and as for now, they have no good reason to think otherwise_. She had to earn their trust, she had to prove to them that they were not going anywhere.  

Cordelia then realized that standing outside of the girls’ bedroom might be a bad idea, for she could have been caught in the act at any moment. So she went to her bedroom, her intention to talk to the girls about their mother disappearing into thin air. Cordelia looked around the room, looking for – she wasn`t sure what for, thoughts in her mind racing with one another, her body unable to keep up with them. _I don`t have that many jewelry boxes_ , she thought. She knew Sara was right though, she really was too fancy. She was too rich. Cordelia also knew that it was always that way for her, not that it appeared as a good enough excuse for the time being. At least Esther liked her. Oh, how unexpectedly wonderful it was to hear. The older girl thought her to be kind. It had Cordelia smiling all over the place.

She went to bed not quite aware of what was going to happen next, but sure as hell of what wasn`t. She was not going to let those girls feel like they weren`t staying here. This house – her home – was now their home too. And for the life of her, she was not going to let them think otherwise.

 

Today – a fine sunny Thursday - was the day Cordelia did exactly what she had to do. She appeared in front of the judge, confident as they come, and told him something she believed in with every part of her being. She told him that in her opinion, the girls would benefit from not communicating with their biological mother.

 

She thought about it thousands of times, her own life experience coming in handy like never before. After she came to live at the Academy, she hadn`t seen her mother for the entire year of her life. It was her very first year without someone constantly reminding her how useless and worthless she was, without someone relentlessly telling her that she`s nothing but a disappointment. Myrtle was always there though, helping her escape the nightmare that was Cordelia`s childhood the best way she knew how. And the girls might have not shown almost any signs of improvement yet, but Cordelia knew in her bones that they were getting a little braver and a little more confident daily, even if no one could see that. Remembering just how much she improved in a year without communicating with her mother had made making this decision quite a lot easier for her.

 

As Cordelia was standing in front of the judge and telling him all of it (expect for her own experience part, of course), there was not even a shadow of a doubt that she was doing the right thing. And even if there was, she knew it would disappear instantly when she found out that the biological mother was not there for the verdict. The judge had made a decision to have  separate hearings for both sides – that women must have been a handful, Cordelia thought – but they were to receive the verdict together. When the headmistress came into the courtroom to hear it, she saw Julia giving the judge a note. He simply nodded after reading it and proceeded announcing his decision as it was – the decision to withdraw the communication between the girls and their biological mother until decided otherwise.

 

It was a good thing, Cordelia thought. It was her little victory. She managed to keep the girls – her girls – away from the trigger of every bad things that had happened to them in the past. For now, they were safe with Cordelia and she intended to keep it this way. She was happy about the way things went, up until the point when she became everything but happy.

 

It happened right after Cordelia had finished her lesson – the appointment with the judge was scheduled for ten in the morning, but she only managed to make it back for her two o’clock class. She taught Botany all the way from freshman to senior years. Not a favorite subject around here, but she believed it to be an important one nonetheless. Cordelia wanted her students to be able to connect with Earth, to recognize everything nature had gifted them with for more than beauty and to expand their knowledge on how much they could achieve if using nature`s gifts to their advantage. Her two o`clock class today were sophomores – a dozen of feisty fourteen-year-olds, Esther now being one of them.

 

When Cordelia found out that the girls needed a new school, she had made a decision right away. Although it was not common to accept new students to the Academy in the middle of the school year, especially with no testing, and, quite frankly, no special skills, for the first time in her life Cordelia didn`t care about doing everything by the book. She was, however, a little anxious about girls’ reaction to attending such a school. Sara would be all right, the women was sure of it. Brilliant or not, she was against tormenting a bunch of seven-year-olds with endless study sessions and expanded curriculums. Their lessons were quite short and quite ordinary, followed by hours of interactive playing with their teachers in a way that helped them develop important life skills and figure out their passions. But when it came to Esther, Cordelia was beyond worried. How would that girl feel in the classroom full of geniuses? And how would they feel about having her there? Not that Cordelia thought her girls were not something special, she simply doubted that Calculus and Chemistry was Esther`s idea of things that were extremely easy. She shook the doubt away yet again though – she was getting quite good at it. If everything was to go not as smoothly as she hoped it would, she could always find another school. But for now, keeping the girls where she could always look out for them, where she was constantly there for them, was nothing but a good idea.

 

Though Cordelia had no high expectations for the girls’ academic performance, they both managed to surprise her, especially Esther. Sara did quite good on everything and showed impressive social skills. Her teacher described her as a born leader, which Cordelia did not find hard to believe. As for Esther, she didn`t talk in class, but her test scores were not half bad. At first, Cordelia thought the girl to be an average student indeed – not that she found it to be a bad thing – but was proved wrong in a way she didn`t think to be possible.

 

Esther had a Botany lesson on the very first day at the Academy – Cordelia found herself to be both thrilled and terrified about it. The headmistress noticed the way Esther listened carefully, catching her every word – something the other students did rarely, only when the topic was beyond interesting. Esther managed to score a little higher than a half on the little test Cordelia had given her that day to simply check her background knowledge. Though the girl knew quite a few things Cordelia didn`t expect her to know, Latin was obviously new to her. Considering Esther`s scores on every other background check test she got, Cordelia came to the conclusion that the girl had good memory, something she seemed to be unaware of. Math clearly was not her fort, while her Literature score was higher than any other, but not impressively high. _She didn`t have a special gift then_ , Cordelia thought, sighing. The very next day she realized she couldn`t be more wrong.

 

Being a little more than acquainted with Cordelia Goode meant knowing she couldn`t imagine her life without her greenhouse. She fell in love with this place when she first came to the Academy and made a lifelong commitment to it when she chose Botany as her major in college. It was filled with so many plants, one couldn`t count them if one tried. It took the headmistress almost two decades to collect all of them and long hours of studying and experimenting to learn how to take proper care of them. By now though, Cordelia was better than great at it. Her students were always fascinated with how for whatever they`d ask her, she had the answer right in store and how whatever they`d want her to do with the plants, she could do with her eyes closed. Every other lesson she would take the girls to the greenhouse for she believed it was essential for to have some practical knowledge. She taught them all kinds of things, from how to simply take care of the plants to how to make use of them using different equipment along the way.

 

Cordelia was quite a bit nervous about having a greenhouse lesson with Ester`s class. They were making essential oils now – an old hobby of Cordelia`s – and the girls were taking a huge interest in it. Though it did take them two lessons to get the hang of using all the new equipment and that was with Cordelia giving them a thorough lecture on how to work with it a day before. The headmistress doubted Esther would get anything done during the lesson, her heart pushing her to guide the girl though the entire process herself, but her mind reminding her that it was an incredible opportunity for Esther to socialize. _If she had no idea what to do_ , Cordelia thought, _one way or another, she would have to ask someone for help_. Seemed a little like throwing her into the river as a swimming lesson, but desperate time called for desperate measures, and at that moment, Cordelia was beyond desperate.

 

But Esther was far from requiring help. As soon as she heard the task, she got to work immediately, doing everything with such ease, it made Cordelia pinch herself to make sure she was seeing it right. By the end of the lesson, the entire class along with Cordelia were just watching Esther, who was too caught up in the process to notice anything around her.

 

“So the new kid does have a talent.” The headmistress heard the girls whispering. “Did Miss Supreme teach her that so she could show off today?”

 

Cordelia was so mesmerized by Esther`s doing, she let the nickname some of the girls were using for her slide. It wasn`t half bad after all.

 

When Ester was done, she lifted her head, looking at everyone questionably.

 

“So Esther,” Cordelia decided it would be better to speak first, than let anyone jump in with a not-so-funny comment. “It seems you know your way around the plans.”

The girl just stared at her, clearly feeling uncomfortable from all the attention. Cordelia really should have known better that that.

 

“Alright, girls, we`re done for today. Clean up after yourselves, please.”

 

Esther then quickly put everything in its place and ran for her life out of the greenhouse, leaving the headmistress no chance to talk to her in private. At home, she did just the same. She was smart about it too, seeing as all the way through dinner – the only time Cordelia had a chance to really talk to the girls – Sara was going on and on about a new friend she made at school. The younger girl was never that chatty before, and Cordelia knew better than to think it was simple excitement. _Sisterhood in all its glory,_ the woman thought, a little smile cramping on to her face. She was amazed by the bond those two had, by just how close they were. She only wished they let her in too, or at least give her a little chance to prove she was worthy of letting in.

 

Cordelia then decided it would be smarter to not to push Esther into talking about it. If she were ever ready, she would come to the woman herself. And today, as Esther was approaching her desk after everyone had left the classroom, Cordelia`s heart filled with hope. Whatever it was the girl needed – help, guidance, or simply someone to talk to – Cordelia was ready to give it all. She was ready for anything, she thought, unaware that what was about to come out of Esther`s mouth, was something the headmistress could never have prepared herself for.

 

“Ah, sorry, Miss Cordelia,” the girl stumbled, clearly being out of her comfort zone. “Could I ask you somethin`?”

 

“You can ask me anything, Esther. Go ahead then, what is it?”

 

The girl lowered her head a little trying to compose her question, and then finally “When can we see our mom?”

 

Cordelia felt her insides flipping at that, praying to every god there was that her expression wasn`t giving out everything she felt inside. She was panicked, completely horrified by just how much she didn`t know what to answer.

 

“You left a note on the fridge that said you were goin` to the court today.” Esther did not have to explain herself, but Cordelia was too speechless to tell her that. “I figured it must be `bout visitations.” And how stupid was Cordelia after all, leaving a note about her appointment out in the open like that? Was she unaware that 7 and 14 year-olds could read?

 

“Esther,” The headmistress rounded her desk, now facing the girl directly. “I did have and appointment with the judge today. The situation is quite complicated and…”

 

“Just tell me. Please. `s my life that`s bein` decided here.”

 

Those words made Cordelia flinch a little. She knew that, of course she knew that, but the way Esther said it felt so heavy, Cordelia wasn`t sure she was capable of standing under such weight.

 

“Esther, the judge had decided that…” That wasn`t about to be taken well, so the women braced herself for the blow. “That you and Sara shouldn`t see your mother for a little while longer.”

 

But nothing came. She could feel Esther`s thoughts muffling around in the air and that was about all the reaction she got. It made Cordelia relax a little – one more proof she made the right call.

 

“Oh.” Then came quietly. “I see. Can we call her then?”

 

“Sweetheart, the judge withdrew all forms of communication” _Way to talk to a scared teenager, Goode_. “It means…”

 

“Yeah. I got it.”

 

Cordelia saw it then, something she was terrified of seeing again from the day she met that girl. The sadness in her eyes seemed to triple, spilling on to the floor, filling the room and Cordelia felt herself drowning in it to the point where she wished she could actually drown. It seemed a better alternative to just standing there, realizing that Esther`s sorrow she promised she would banish away was now stronger than ever, and it was all Cordelia`s doing.

 

“Don`t tell Sara. It shouldn`t come from you when she hears that.” She then started to leave, Cordelia`s voice stuck in her throat leaving the woman unable to call out Esther`s name. And what would the headmistress tell her if she stopped her?

 

Suddenly, Esther turned around. “Yeah, right. Sorry. Thank you. I always forget.” And with that, she left.

 

Cordelia felt herself breaking immediately, ground simply escaping from under her feet. So she nearly ran to her office, hiding her face from the students in the hall, closed the door behind her and then – fell to the floor. She wasn`t going to cry, she told herself, she couldn’t afford such a luxury in the middle of the day, when anyone could come looking for her at any moment. She wasn`t going to cry, she repeated as a mantra, though not a very helpful one, as a single tear had already escaped her eyes, leaving a wet trace down to her cheek.

 

What has she done?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordelia and the girls have a tough conversation coming up.

Hank Foxx, Cordelia`s ex-husband, was not a man one who knew his true colors would want to remember. He was somewhat handsome, easy to talk to and quite a drinking companion, however, completely shallow inside. Having to learn this the hard way, Cordelia wasted no time doing everything in her power to erase him from her life completely. His things were thrown away, phone numbers deleted, every gift he had ever given her she destroyed, feeling an unexpected hint of pleasure along the process. Cordelia wanted that man to never have excited, and though she was not some kind of a powerful witch to make it truly happen, she sure could make her life look like it. As for now, there was not a shadow of Hank Foxx ever being in Cordelia`s life.

 

“Ooh, cool, you got an X-box. Can we play?” Sara was looking at her pleadingly and the headmistress simply nodded, trying desperately to remember when she could possibly buy this thing. Then, it occurred to her. It was Hank`s. His X-box was standing in the middle of her living room ever since they moved in here and she never noticed its existence.

 

“Sci, what do you…quit shovin` me for God`s sake!” Cordelia then realized she must`ve been staring at it for too long, seeing how Sara had already managed to run upstairs and bring Esther to the living room.

 

“Look!” The younger girl pointed at it, her excitement beaming through the roof.

 

“Ooh, an X-box. Cool. Didn`t know you were much into games, Miss Cordelia.” Esther`s lips curled up into a little smile, look on her face so childish, the woman couldn`t help but smiled herself.

 

“It was…a gift. I never learned how to use it, though. Perhaps, you could teach me some time later.”

 

“Yeah, we`ll teach you later, but can we play right now?” Sara was already making herself comfortable in front of the TV.

 

“Yes, of course you can. Have fun, girls. Dinner will be ready in about forty minutes, okay?”

 

They just nodded dumbly, already too caught up in the process, but as Cordelia was leaving the room, a quiet “thank you” from Esther caught up with her. _She always forgets_.

 

Cordelia smiled all the way to the kitchen, seeing the girls so excited and content was now her new favorite thing in the whole world. Who knew she would be grateful for her ex-husband forgetting some of _his shit_ around here? Of course, playing on an X-box was not Cordelia`s idea of having fun, not to mention that she was beyond concerned – as a headmistress and now as a parent – about kids struggling to find a healthy balance between screen time and other activities. As to her mind, good amount of screen time was no screen time at all, but the reality of living in modern world begged to differ. After all, little gaming never hurt anybody, right? Cordelia might as well start getting used to it, especially with a teenager in the house.

 

Oh, that teenager. Cordelia`s tears might have dried up as she pulled herself together, exited her office and faced the world as a woman, whose responsibilities had priority over her feelings, but the image of that girl, of her quiet, swallowed pain haven`t left her mind even for one second. The headmistress had to talk to her about it, she knew that much. She couldn`t let the girl shut herself out like that, carrying her every feeling around without ever expressing them. Collecting every emotion and every thought day in and day out, keeping it all in for her dear life _. One day she might just blow up._

Cordelia was at loss as to why Esther reacted to the news about her mother the way she did. It wasn`t that she said anything – and when did she ever? – but the headmistress did not need her to speak for she could _see_ what the others didn`t notice. It was always a part of her – the ability to read between the lines, to feel the truth, as if she had some sort of second sight. Using it, though, was not her strong suit as throughout her life she was accustomed to turning it off. Like when her mother told her she couldn`t get a ticket to come to her graduation, or when Hank told her he couldn`t make it to dinner because he had too much work to do, Cordelia convinced herself that they were not lying because the alternative would just hurt too much.  Yet when it came to Esther, she refused to turn it off. She could see something hidden inside of that girl, something buried so deeply Esther herself would probably struggle to reach it. And whatever it was, Cordelia needed to fix it before anyone – Esther, she meant Esther – got hurt.

 

Back at her office, hiding and crying, Cordelia nearly drowned as the crashing waves of her own destructive thoughts came to stay, bringing up every fear and every sorrow she – not unlike Esther – had suppressed for so long.  Was she acting selfish? Was she putting her own interests first? Was she turning into…no. Never. Not in a million years, not if the Apocalypse came and the world started over, not in any life no matter how many of those she`d get – she would never turn into that woman. She would much rather die than become anything like Fiona Goode. Cordelia knew she couldn`t let herself go down this rabbit hole. She had to be reasonable for she was the one to handle things, not the one to be handled, and she wanted it to stay that way. There could be thousands of reasons for Esther`s sadness. That woman was her mother after all. A bad one, yes, but a mother nonetheless, and it was not as if Esther knew any better. What good could Cordelia`s whining do now, when that girl – when both of her girls - needed her more than ever before?

 

“Girls, dinner!” As she waited, Cordelia put the final touches on tonight`s meal, a vegetarian – not that it was ever anything else anymore - pasta with all the vegetables one could think of. She loved putting so much effort into eating healthy now that the girls were here.

 

Those two took their time finishing the game, so Cordelia waited patiently for them, wondering how long will it take for her to start losing her cool. They did come eventually, Sara being not particularly happy about it. Oh, but how adorable she looked with her lower lip outstretched like that, it took everything Cordelia had to keep her from smiling.

 

As they settled for the meal, Sara decided to go for it.

 

“Can we play a little after dinner? `Cause we`ve only played for forty minutes an` all.”

 

Cordelia was not sure what to answer, but it didn`t matter since Esther was quick to jump in.

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you after dinner. Upstairs. `s important.”

 

“More important than playin` on an X-box?”

 

“Yeah, sorta. You can`t play 24\7, you know that.”

 

“And how is it your business how long I play for?”

 

“Alright, girls,” Cordelia decided it was high time she finally said something. “No fighting, please. Did both of you finish your homework?”

 

Esther nodded ever so slightly, but as to Sara – it was about the first time she didn`t have something to say.

 

“Alright, then how about you and Esther talk, then you finish your homework, and after that we can discuss the X-box arrangements? And if you need any help, you can always come get me, you know that, right?”

 

“Fine, I`ll do homework. But this sucks.”

 

“Watch your mouth, Sci. It ain`t nice.”

 

“So what? Why do you always have to be such a goodie-goodie?”

 

“`m just balancin` you out `s all. I watch your manners and you don`t let me get beaten up. Sounds like a sweet deal to me.”

 

And just like that, Esther had Sara smiling. How did she do it, Cordelia wondered, they were nearly fighting, Sara`s voice raising an octave higher with every word, and the older girl managed to fix without even blinking? _You`re a headmistress, Goode. It`s your job to do what she just did._ It was the truth, Cordelia did deal with things like that on daily basis, but this time felt somehow different.

 

_Was it because they are mine?_

_They aren`t yours, silly. They have a mother._

A mother she needed to talk to them about, even if only the thought of it made her break out in a cold sweat.

 

After dinner, Sara ran upstairs rather quickly, eager to get everything that was standing between her and the X-box over with. Esther stayed to wash the dishes – she always did that, no matter how many times Cordelia told her not to, so at some point the woman simply gave up.

 

“Are you planning on talking to Sara about your mother?” Cordelia was nearly surprised to hear her own voice.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You know, if you need any help with that…”

 

“I don`t, Miss Cordelia. Not really.” Esther finished washing the dishes and turned to face the headmistress, although this time not quite meeting her gaze. She was nervous. “You know, if you let Sara play on the X-box whenever she wants, you`ll never see the end of it. She`s crazy for those things. Can I go now?”

 

“Yes, you may. Of course. Thank you for the advice, Esther.”

 

“Yeah. I mean, you`re welcome.” She disappeared then, leaving Cordelia alone waiting for whatever outcome her conversation with Sara might have.

 

She cleaned the table. She dried the dishes. She put them away. She rearranged the glasses – anything to keep her mind occupied with something other than the fact, that she had no idea what she was going to tell the girls later tonight.

 

Should she mention the fact that their mother didn`t show up for the verdict? Should she mention just how little that woman cared?

 

No, she shouldn’t. She did not intend to hurt the girls even more, especially not in such a cruel way. That woman damaged their young lived enough as it was, and she finally had no opportunity to keep doing so. It was a good thing, Cordelia kept repeating it as a prayer, as a silent plea, as if, if she could wish for it enough times, it would come true. But it didn`t.

 

Cordelia heard the girls` loud footsteps, as if they were racing downstairs, and when Sara finally reached the kitchen, it took the woman a moment to realize that her face was red and puffy from crying.

 

“`s all your fault! You did that! `s `cause of you we can`t see Ma no more.” The girl was screaming at the top of her lungs and it had Cordelia suddenly cornered. What was she supposed to do now? “You`re just a selfish…”

 

“Sci, stop!” Esther ran into the kitchen maybe a few seconds after Sara did, but to Cordelia, it seemed like an eternity. Which, surprisingly, was still not enough to come up with something to say. “Look, it ain`t her fault. `s just…”

 

“No, you`re lyin`!”

 

Esther`s attempt to comfort the girl were doing no good. Cordelia had to do something. How could she just be standing there, looking at all that was happening with a lamp in her throat and her knees ready to give out? What kind of a parent was she?

 

“Sara, sweetheart, look at me. Listen to me.” Her voice was trembling a little, but she was talking and it was a good sign. “Sweetheart, the sole reason I did what I did was for your and Esther`s own good.”

 

“See, Sci, she wasn`t even…wait, what?” And as Cordelia lifted her eyes from Sara to Esther, as she saw the kaleidoscope of emotions racing through that girl, like an army that runs through the village with no regard to its residents, she realized the huge, fatal mistake she had just made. Sara wasn`t talking about what Cordelia did in court, she didn`t know what Cordelia did in court, the girl simply didn`t like her. Therefore, she was blaming her for what happened. But now she knew, they both knew and Cordelia was screwed – no, she was _fucked_ – beyond imagining. “What did you do?”

 

“Esther, Sara, we should all…”

“Did you say somethin` to the social worker? Or to the judge?” Esther`s voice broke off at the end, and at that, even Sara knew better than to keep yelling. “You did, didn`t you?”

 

“I told you it was her fault.” Sara was crying again, her voice quiet. Just a little girl who needed comforting.

 

Esther went to her knees and hugged her tightly.

 

“I know. An` m`sorry. But I gotta talk to Miss Cordelia alone now, okay? I`ll be back upstairs soon though, an` we`ll figure it out. I just gotta talk to her.”

 

“What if we never see Ma again?”

 

“Ain`t gonna happen, Sci. I promise. Just trust me, okay? `Cause I never lie. Just go upstairs an` wait for me.”

 

Cordelia had to say something, do something, anything. She had to explain her actions, to assure her - ? – girls she did what she did for their own good. But she stayed silent, watching those two cling to each other desperately, as if seeking a shelter away from all the pain – the pain that occupied the room, the house, everything. It was in every crack of the wall, it was everywhere, it was inside Cordelia, making itself at home, returning to its little kingdom. As if the long way she had come to be who she was today was erased, and Cordelia was little again, sobbing quietly as her mother was telling her that she was good for nothing. Useless. Worthless. All she could do was make others suffer.  It would be better, if she wasn`t born at all.

 

There was a time, when she believed her mother`s words to be true. There was a time, when she stopped. Now was the time – the very first time in her entire life – when she agreed with her. Fiona Goode was right. Her daughter should have never been born at all.

 

Sara went upstairs without as much as looking at Cordelia. Esther watched her go, waited until she could hear her door close before she got up from her knees. She collected herself, as if preparing for a fight, and then – turned to face Cordelia. There was anger in her eyes. For the first time, Cordelia saw Esther angry, and she flinched at the sight.

 

“How fucking dare you?”

 

It came as an unexpected blow during a boxing match, and it was enough to take Cordelia down.

 

“Esther, you really shouldn`t be talking to me that way.”

 

“Oh really? You`re the reason why we can`t see Ma, and you`re tryin` to tell me how I should be talkin` to you?” Cordelia could hear it now, the sound of the wall Esther built to hide her feelings from the world crushing all at once. “Who the fuck do you think you are? Mother Teresa or somethin **`**? You think you`re saving two poor kids from their bad mother? `Cause you know nothing about us and you know nothing about her. Ma`s ten times a person you are and she would never do something` so horrible. And she ain`t a bad mother. She`s the best there is. Maybe she ain`t lucky or rich like you are, with your fancy job and your huge house, but she`s one hell of a mother. Do you even know how many people could fit in this house of yours? How many people you could help? But nah, you`re keepin` it all to yourself, `cause why care about anyone else, right? You know what, maybe Sci`s right, maybe you are just a selfish bitch. I can`t believe I thought you were a good person.” Esther`s voice, as if made to cut stone, vibrated in Cordelia`s ears. Voice filed with tears and pain, so much pain, the woman just couldn`t take it anymore. She couldn`t defend herself against something like that, her insides crushing as the realization of what she had done washed over her. She held on to the table, practically unable to stand by herself.

 

“Esther…” She felt herself shaking a little, trying desperately to keep her tears – and herself – from falling.  

 

“No. Don`t. And you know what? Don`t you even dare try takin` care of Sara. `Cause she got people. She got me, and she got a mother, a damn good one, who`s now doin` everythin` she can to get Sara back and to get me back. And people like you are the reason why she`s gotta do it in the first place.” Esther left with it, her steps heavy and as Cordelia heard the sound of the door to the girls` room closing, she covered her mouth with her hand as she wept, giving into the agony of remorse, giving into the need of her body to crash, giving into the horror of the realization of what exactly had just happen.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update. I wasn`t sure whether to continue or not, but your sweet comments kept me going. Thank you!

Cordelia Goose has always wanted to become a mother. When she was a little girl who wouldn`t leave the house without her dolly, when she was a teenager, thoroughly collecting books she meant to one day share with her children, when she was a young woman, saying “I do” at the altar and even when she was broken down and then born anew. No matter what the universe had thrown her way, the idea of motherhood was the only thing the woman had never given up on. Until today, that was.

 

Cordelia Goode has always wanted to become a mother. As for today, she has failed twice.

 

There was a little wooden box under Cordelia`s bed with four items in it.

 

A yellow blanket.

 

_“Come on, babe, you can`t be serious. We`ve been trying to have a baby for like ten minutes and you`re already buying stuff for it.” Hank gave Cordelia a weird look. He was right, of course he was right, but how could she resist when that thing in front of her looked as if made specifically for their child?_

_“I know, I know, I might be getting a little ahead of myself, but look at it. It`s the color of the sun. Can`t you just see our little one wrapped up in this blanket, sleeping peacefully in her crib?”_

_“First of all, it`ll be his crib. And second of all, you can get the blanket for as long as you promise me that we won`t end up getting the crib today too. At least not until you`re actually pregnant.” That got a laugh out of Cordelia._

_“Alright, I promise. So can we get it? Please.” She gave Hank a pleading look, the one she knew he always melted under, and hugged him tightly when he nodded in defeat._

_They were almost there. One tiny pregnancy away from her lifelong dream._

A green onesie with a gorgeous tree on it.

 

_“Surprise!”_

_Cordelia yelped out of shock when she saw Zoe, her best – and only – friend, her boyfriend Kyle and Hank standing in the middle of her living room, the “Congratulations on finally being pregnant!” banner hanging above their heads. They must have thought it would be funny._

_“Hey, babe, I`m sorry I didn`t make it to the hospital. My boss…”_

_“I wish you did. I`m not pregnant, Hank. The test was wrong.” She wanted to hide so desperately, seeing the expression on their faces change to the one of pity. She had seen enough of that in the last eight month._

_“Oh God, Cordelia, we are so sorry, we were just trying to…”_

_“What`s in that bag?” Cordelia was so angry now, she didn`t care for Zoe`s apology. The situation hurt all too much, and that bag, covered in blue and pink bows, did not help at all._

_Kyle then tried to hide it behind his back._

_“Just give me the damn bag.” Cordelia walked over and took it from him, her rage now filling the entire room. She intended to throw whatever was inside of the bag away and then tell all three of them to get the hell out of her house. She wanted to be alone, to weep out of pain and desperation, but as she saw that onesie with such_ _a_ _beautiful tree on it, she couldn`t help but smile in spite of herself._

_“It`s gorgeous.”_

_Cordelia felt Zoe`s hands wrapping around her tightly, Hank blabbing the apologies and words of encouragement and at that moment she knew, that she might not have been pregnant yet, but she sure was not alone._

Her favorite childhood book.

 

_“You should just give up, Cordelia. You and that excuse of husband of yours have been trying for a year now. Don`t you think that`s enough time to realize that you were not meant to be a mother?”_

_“I have no interest in your opinion on that matter, Fiona.” Cordelia tried to appear strong despite her mother`s words burning a hole in her chest._

_“You should consider it a blessing, you know. That child you want so badly will ruin every good thing you have in your life, believe me. I know what I`m talking about.”_

_Now that was just great. Cordelia was getting weak at her knees, as she stood in the middle of her greenhouse, wishing for someone – anyone – to come in here and rescue her from that terrible woman._

_“That`s enough, mother. Did you come here only to insult me? If so, you could`ve just called.”_

_“You never pick up your phone, dear. And no, I did not come here to insult you. I have a matter to discuss with your beloved Myrtle.”_

_“Then why are you here talking to me? Is that so hard for you to simply leave me alone?”_

_“Settle down, my dear, you`ll get your face all wrinkled from expressing your emotions so hard. I only wanted to give you this.” She handed a small package over to Cordelia._

_“What is it, mother?” The woman started opening the package hesitantly. It was too light to be a bomb of some sort, right?_

_“A little something in case that pathetic man does manage to knock you up. I accidently found it when I popped by the house on my way here.”_

_Cordelia couldn`t believe her eyes as her favorite childhood book appeared from the package._

_“You remembered?”_

_“Oh, how I wish I could forget, Delia. But you`ve made it impossible begging me to read it to you hundreds of times every single day when you were little.” Fiona was smiling somewhat nostalgically, which made Cordelia truly doubt the reality of the whole situation. Was there any chance she was asleep? “I do not approve of you trying to have a child, especially with such a terrible person, but…”_

_“Stop talking, mother.” Cordelia held the book tight to her chest, as she walked to the door and opened it, fully aware of just how quickly Fiona could ruin such a lovely moment. “I think you should go discuss that matter of yours now. But thank you. I`ll make sure to tell the baby it was a gift from grandma.”_

And a stuffed elephant.

_One of her students, little Rosie, must have forgotten it when she left the Academy to move overseas with her parents. At first, Cordelia intended to return it, but never had the time to make a call._

_Her intentions went away when she used that very elephant to muffle her cries, the words “you simply can`t have a baby” making its way through every atom of her very being, becoming not a part, but the essence of Cordelia Goode._

_After 18 month of trying and fighting, she knew she had failed, once and for all. So she took those four items that were once her source of hope, and put them into a little wooden box as if in a coffin, for a part of her did die when she exited the doctor`s office._

_Instead of throwing the box away, she kept it under her bad – hard to see, but easy to reach. As if a scar not visible for it was on Cordelia`s very soul._

_She kept it as a reminder of a child that never had existed. A baby she carried in her mind and heart, but never in her body. An infant that was not lost but never conceived._

 

Cordelia`s very first instinct was to ran to her bedroom, find the box and weep over it until she`d cry herself to sleep, for it seemed easier to grief for someone she never had, than for those she did have but failed.

 

She followed her second instinct instead, the insanity of which she had realized only when her car was already half way to the other side of the town.

How did she get here?

 

It was all blurry in Cordelia`s mind now, as she tried to retrace her steps – another way of keeping herself from _those thoughts_. The ones she`d been trying to avoid ever since the conversation with Esther.

 

She waited until the girls fell asleep. So far, they had never woken up in the middle of the night.

 

_As blissful denial started crushing, not slowly and carefully, but all at once, she suddenly came to understand exactly what she had done. Exactly how ignorant, how deliberately blind she being this entire time._

Then, she called Zoe. The only person she could trust with such tender – and such senseless - matter.

 

_Every decision she had made since the girls came to live with her, everything she had done was for her own benefit. This thought made her world crumble, only this time she was not strong enough to stop it from collapsing completely. This time she was powerless, disarmed by the realization of whom she had become._

She assured Zoe she would be back before the girls wake up. That she had a plan – _such a lie_. That she knew what she was doing.

 

_She had chosen to miss so many sighs. So many swallowed words, little acts she ignored for she knew what they meant and she didn`t want them to mean that. She tried to be as quick as possible for every moment she became closer to simply falling under the weight of her ruined self._

She must have sounded completely desperate because Zoe showed up in about 15 minutes after the call. And she must have looked completely broken too, as no questions were asked. No explanation required.

 

_There was one promise she made as young girl and intended to keep throughout her life. One fear that kept her from wrong decisions and selfish acts – or so she thought. One person she never wanted to turn into._

Already in her car, she turned on the GPS, hoping with everything she had that the address she had in mind was indeed the one she needed. She saw it a few days ago, sewed onto Sara`s backpack along with her full name – Sara Stephanie Day. At the moment, Cordelia thought she was ought to change it since it was irrelevant. She couldn`t be more wrong.

 

_With no warning sign coming her way, with no restriction in one night Cordelia`s life turned into her worst nightmare. Not because she had become Fiona Goode, but because she realized that she had been what her mother once was all along._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is waaay too angsty, but it`ll get better, I promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Whatever your thoughts are, please, do leave a comment. Also, in case you haven`t noticed (which is a good thing, I suppose), I`m not a native speaker, so if you found any mistakes, please let me know.


End file.
